I’m not Wrong – I’m just not Right.
February 15, 2010 | Category: I'm a Momma
It’s time. Time to be honest and write a post about how I’ve really been feeling.
Ever since I had Gage, I just have not been feeling quite “right”. I’m “wrong” in the sense that I’m not the person I used to be, and definitely not the person I want to be. I need to admit that I’ve been dealing with an unexplained anxiety and feeling of being overwhelmed.
I feel like I’m on the brink of tears all the time. I unexpectedly snap at the girls all the time. Small everyday tasks have become too daunting to complete. The tiniest shift in the schedule can throw me all off. Basically, I feel like I’m always two steps away from loosing my sh*t.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve suffered from mild depression in the past. I know many of you might be thinking to yourself, “she has postpartum depression”. But honestly, I don’t feel depressed at all. I’m happy with my life, I love my life. I just feel like I can’t manage this life. Often I feel frozen and trapped, constantly spinning my wheels, and going nowhere fast.
I find myself worrying about everything. From little things like broccoli going bad in the fridge to big things like being a sucktastic mom.
Probably the worst part of feeling this way is that I don’t know WHY I feel the way I do. These feelings are foreign to me. I used to be very relaxed, able to easily roll with the punches.
I keep telling myself that this will pass. I’ll assume it’s hormonal. I’ll assume that I’m adjusting to my new life of 3 kids, while letting go of simple days of only having 2. I’ll assume that it will get better in the spring, when warm fresh air will finally fill my lungs. I’ll assume that this will all shake out in time, and that the real me is not lost.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 6:21 pm
i wih i knew what this was. i had my 3rd baby in August- i have been feeling this exact way..hes 6 months old now! normally people are in awe of how multi tasking i really am, how spotless my house is, not anymore..i do good to shower before 3, my older kids are distancing themselves from me- makes me sad. i like you am not depressed! i just want you to know that you are not alone. i hope you find a solution. ((hugs)) to you!
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February 15th, 2010 @ 6:32 pm
I felt the same way after having my first (via C-section) and everybody was saying, it's just the blues, hormonal mild depression but I did not feel depress!!!
I was just upset, my life was changing so fast from being single meeting a wonderful man from dating 2 weeks, getting engage and 3 month later being married, From getting preggo after 1.5 months after our wedding to having a little baby girls from getting use to have my husband sleeping in my bed to having a new baby sleeping with us, to getting use to not sleep, to nursing non stop etc…
Yap life got very different very quickly and I do not deal very well with change I love stability and routine!!!
I'm still trying to adjust to my "new" life and thing keeps changing, almost 4 years later, with baby #3 on the way I still don't fell "normal" or maybe this is my new "normal' self!!!!
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February 15th, 2010 @ 6:34 pm
Did you see my post from today?
"I'm not the person I used to be, and definitely not the person I want to be" was almost an exact sentence that I wrote and took back out. As a matter of fact, I moved it to another post scheduled for tomorrow.
I'm hoping, praying that it's the weather. Because I'm not depressed either, but I'm off my game and it's killing me slowly.
Bring on the sunshine and the spring!
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February 15th, 2010 @ 6:39 pm
I DID struggle with depression most of 2009. "Coincidentally" after I stopped nursing my daughter at 23 months. And now I have that more under control (with meds) but I am still not exactly "right". And it feels very, very cyclical (hormone/mestruation) to me. It can be so frustrating! I feel like in general I am much less capable than I used to be. So, you are not alone. Thanks for writing. Makes all of us out there feel so much better to know we're not alone and that's how we learn from each other, by sharing the hard stuff! xoxo
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February 15th, 2010 @ 6:53 pm
I felt the EXACT same way after the birth of my son and then again after the birth of my daughter – not depressed, but certainly not happy. I didn't think I fit the description of postpartum depression – I got up, showered and got dresssed everyday. I cooked, I cleaned, I played with my kids. I was living my life, but wasn't enjoying it. Both times, I said it would get better once the weather got nicer, or once the baby was a little bit older, or once I got a decent nights' sleep. I wasted MONTHS telling myself this – months and moments that I can't get back. Both times, I ended up going on a mild antidepressant. It helped tremendously with the anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed. I know pills don't work for everyone – but they did for me.
I hope you are able to find something that works for you and that you are able to find 'right' again soon.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 7:10 pm
You don't actually have to feel depressed to have PPD… You described how I felt for the first 8 months of Punkin's life. I would break into tears going for a walk around the neighborhood. I felt overwhelmed. Not necessarily depressed. I talked to my doctor & he put me on a mild anti-depressant and it did wonders! Not saying everyone needs drugs or whatever, but seriously, talk to your OB or your family doctor. You can feel better!
(((hugs)))
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February 15th, 2010 @ 7:21 pm
I second the comment about talking to your doctor. I don't think PPD necessarily looks the same for everyone. And I will be keeping you in my prayers. So sorry you are feeling this way.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 7:36 pm
While I can't say "I know how you feel" because everyone is different, I do THINK I know how you feel.
I was in a similar funk after #3 was born.
Talk to your doctor if you think that's what you need to do. But also, make sure to cut yourself a TON of slack.
I'll be thinking of ya!
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February 15th, 2010 @ 7:58 pm
I looked into this before and came up with a book to try-"I was a really good mom before I had kids", forget the author. I plan on reading that soon. I can let you know how it is. It looks like we all have these feelings because of the crazy expectations we have, or something. Maybe the broccoli should go bad and the poop shadows should hang out for awhile. Just so that we know letting go a bit doesn't mean the world is going to end. In the meantime, I see a dust bunny to take care of and I have to figure out what to do with the defrosted burger before its too late!
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February 15th, 2010 @ 8:00 pm
I felt the very same way after my son was born. It eventually got better; I think it just took awhile — a good, long while that may well have been shorter had I taken some kind of antidepressant — for me to adjust to a different life and for the hormones to settle the (ahem) down.
I'll be thinking of you.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 8:04 pm
I've been on Zoloft for the past 3 years, and this is exactly how I felt before going on it. I've also suffered from long-term mild depression, but it was the anxiety that put me over the edge. That feeling you described- like you're always about to snap- is exactly how I felt too. Like my world was so perfectly stacked that one teeny tiny piece moved a teeny tiny bit would cause my whole world to fall apart.
In the past few months, I have gone off Zoloft and have started feeling this way again. GRAH! I just don't want to HAVE to take a drug that effects my brain, ya know? Still sticking it out, but I'm not sure how long I'll give it…
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February 15th, 2010 @ 8:09 pm
YOU HAD YOUR THIRD CHILD. My third is two and I am just getting used to the overwhelming feeling of three kids. You are just more outnumbered….there are only two parents, two hands, two ears, two eyes….the third is just more….just more of everything. You'll get there, it just takes time….
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February 15th, 2010 @ 8:21 pm
I do agree with those who said talk to your doctor. Just in case, okay?
That said, I felt so lost after Tommy was born. Part of it had to do with the way he was born, but another part had to do with the transition. I wish I'd been more forthcoming with people about how lost I felt, about how much help I needed.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 8:22 pm
PPD doesn't necessarily mean depression. I have experienced what you are describing after every single child (except my first I think). I think it is mild PPD. I call it the baby blues. Luckily, I learned to expect it after I had a child. Just knowning that it passes helped me to deal with it. Knowing that the feelings do not stick around forever is a HUGE help. I just had to wait it out.
I always called it the baby blues. Because like you, I wasn't depressed. But it still really sucked. I was an emotional basket case. I would swing from fine and happy to angry and mean to sad and weepy. It was nuts. BUT, it did pass.
Being in the middle of winter doesn't help much either because I always get a bit down after so many months indoors. Take all of this in to account. And yes, your hormones are all wonky still too.
Just keep telling yourself that this too shall pass. And keep an eye on it. If it gets worse DO NOT HESITATE to call your doctor.
Hang in there, mama!
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February 15th, 2010 @ 8:30 pm
I've suffered from depression in the past so my doc put me on zoloft as soon as I had The Baby. I must admit it's helped TONS and I feel great. I never felt "depressed" either, I was just really moody and unmotivated.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 8:42 pm
Maybe you could go in a tanning bed for a couple session, if it's the seasonal not enough sun disorder (that most of us that live where their is winter!!!) it's might help.
Do you think is more depression or getting use to mothering 3 little one or the Feb not enough sun blues? Or a combination of the 3.
Seriously try bright light and tanning bed to see if it help bonus you'll have a nice glow when everybody else is pale LOL
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February 15th, 2010 @ 8:49 pm
Well I don't have advice, but just a listening ear. Maybe it's PPD, maybe it's truly anxiety, maybe it's hormones. I just hope that you'll be back to feeling like you again soon.
Need anything? I know I'm in TN, but I could always mail you a cupcake or something.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 9:29 pm
I AM soo understanding that feeling… I am like that the first few months… it's really bad the 1st month!!! I expect 6 months to go by before I get upset about "not being normal".
Just knowing that others have the same feelings is comforting!!!
With this arrival, I really am trying, trying, trying to eliminate some of the things that will drive me crazy after delivery… by teaching the kids to clean-up after themselves, having them help me with chores and maybe skipping "help" coming into the house for a couple of weeks… until I'm alittle more sane and not ready to "bite someone's head off"!!
Praying for you!
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February 15th, 2010 @ 9:30 pm
Oh, and knowing that things will get easier in a few months sometimes is comforting too!!!
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February 15th, 2010 @ 9:31 pm
This happened to me- I used to be so good at stuff- anything and everything and I'm not sure if it's the 3rd child or what but yeah- physically & emotionally it happens, and only makes sense, yet you still feel like you can handle it.
To problem solve a bit, have your vitamin D levels checked if you can. I noticed a big diff recently when I started getting my levels back up.
But otherwise, yes, I know what you're saying.
Steph
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February 15th, 2010 @ 9:39 pm
Hang in there. Good thoughts & prayers from Wyoming for you. I think all moms feel this way at some point! It's tough when you are pulled in so many directions and so many people/kids are depending on you! God will give you the strength you need for today and you will find yourself again. Just give yourself some grace and enjoy the beautiful babies. That what I tell myself when I feel I'm about to lose it. Many of the things that plague my mind and get me all worked up are usually little things that don't really matter —I just expect myself to be Wonder-Mom/Wife/Friend all the time.
Anyways. You're not alone and things will be normal again at some point. Pray, Rest, Relax.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 9:58 pm
I have heard from a lot of my friends that adding a third is hard. That the laundry and everything just seems unmanageable. As you know it gets a bit easier when you aren't having to sit on the couch all day with a baby attached to the boob. Thanks for being honest. It makes woman feel a little more normal.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 10:00 pm
I don't love that you're feeling this way, but I love that you wrote about it. Having babies always sends me into a similar kind of tailspin – it's probably why mine are 5 years apart. It takes me a couple of years to get my mojo back. That being said, I'm definitely not brushing off your situation as something you just need to wait out. Several other commenters before me have really excellent advice I hope you'll consider.
I don't think this winter we're having here in Indiana is helping your situation one bit, though. I'm on the verge of going batshit most days. It's too much effort to drag the kids out, the few days the toddlers in school seemed to get cancelled/delayed, and we are all tripping all over each other. It feels like we're all constantly snapping at each other.
I'm thinking of you and hoping each day gets a little more bearable. I don't have any great advice, but I'm always up for bringing you cookies.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 10:12 pm
Praying for sunny days ahead! Hang in there Emily! You are an awesome mother, and your kids are blessed to have you!!
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February 15th, 2010 @ 10:27 pm
I wish I could tell you something super inspiring that would make you "feel better," but I don't know because, well, I only have one. And most of the time I feel like an uber craptastic pile of a mother to just him. so whatever it is, I think I have it too. huh.
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February 15th, 2010 @ 11:41 pm
I wish that I had the magic words, I wish that I knew the right thing to say.. but, I don't.
So, I'll tell you this: I admire the hell out of you for speaking out, I'm proud of you and I love you.
I'm always here, for a shoulder, an ear, a laugh or a sympathetic snort.
Whatever you need.
You are part of my tribe and I thank God for that.
xo
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February 16th, 2010 @ 12:17 am
I go through phases of what you're describing (right now… very much so… but you know the issues at hand)
The days when anything will set you off suck. There's no other way to say it. When something just feels off, like there's a ball that's going to drop, or like you're walking out on thin ice, waiting for it to crack.
I hope it gets better for you, and soon!
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February 16th, 2010 @ 2:23 am
I really have nothing profound to say at all… except BIG HUGS to you.
I'm sorry things are not right right now.
Maybe we really do need to plan a dinner date to decompress?
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February 16th, 2010 @ 2:31 am
I've said it before and I'll say it again. You are not alone in your thoughts. I could have written this post. Three kids as young as ours ARE overwhelming. Wish we lived closer so we could bear through this together. (And drink a few bottles of wine in the process.)
Prayers for you, sister, if you'll do the same for me. Love you.
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February 16th, 2010 @ 2:44 am
I have dealt with depression and anxiety off and on since high school. I've also dealt with post partum. I've been on an anti-depressant since high school and an anti-anxiety med off and on. do feel that they go hand in hand, at least with me. Please don't feel embarrassed or too strong to go get the help you need. Sometimes it's hormones, sometimes it's just the way we're wired. If you need to talk to someone who has "been there" don't hesitate to call me (Melinda has my number!
)
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February 16th, 2010 @ 4:28 am
My suspect PPD actually got better with each child. It was AWFUL after I had my first and this last time I didn't even need drugs! WHEE!
I'm no doctor but if I were you I'd certainly talk to yours and let him/her know what's going on. It never hurts to talk about it, you know?
I hope you feel better soon honey and that the Spring brings you less of these feelings and more of the "old" you…
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February 16th, 2010 @ 4:51 am
Whew! This post got some comments!
Like everyone else, I can relate. If it makes you feel better, everyone with 4+ kids says, "If you can do three, you can do any number!" Every day I pray for the grace to handle it all and to actually be a nice mom:)
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February 16th, 2010 @ 5:03 am
I had major postpartum anxiety after my first. It sounds a lot like what you described. I went on meds for it for a few months, evened out, and went off them. This time, I started taking the meds the day after the baby was born. And they've helped. It doesn't get rid of the feelings, but it makes me feel a little more…in control. Myself. I dunno, it's so hard to describe because it's all "feelings" and such. But you are so good to acknowledge something is off. You're awesome and I love you. xoxo
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February 16th, 2010 @ 2:24 pm
Poor girl! Sleep deprivation + homones + no time for just you = mental distress. My own distress has also shown up as snapishness, mental exhaustion and feeling like I've lost myself rather than the weepies. I resist medication, but that could be a mistake. I'm also hoping that springtime, some natural vitamin D and slightly older children will afford me some sanity.
Interested in a movie or Flying Cupcake date?
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February 16th, 2010 @ 2:49 pm
inhale grace and exhale peace, sister.
it's ok to not feel "right" about life.
nursing shifted my reality differently with both girls. I was so rational about it – I know my hormones are off, I know this is not me, I know I have plenty to be thankful for – and yet it didn't make life any easier.
deep breaths, a chat with a friend, an evening out that's uniquely you w/o the small people (w or w/o friends, w or w/o the hubs), a call to the doctor, all might be a good idea.
sending virtual love.
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February 16th, 2010 @ 3:44 pm
Hang in there.
I was diagnosed with PPD after both my girls… and like you, I didn't really feel "depressed", but overwhelemed and anxious.
Medication helped… and after a few months I was able to get off the Zoloft (not that there aren't days where I think I need to get back on it, but that's a whole other story)
Hope you get to feeling like "yourself" again soon.
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February 16th, 2010 @ 3:48 pm
I had the same thing happen when my son was born. Eventually I shook it, I imagine when my hormones readjusted and when I mentally recovered from the shock of changing from a couple to a family. I can remember sitting in my doctor's office for my six week check up and he asked if I had any more questions, if everything was okay and I forced a smile and said, YES. Eventually it was, but I did promise myself that if it happens again this time around, I will say something. Even if only to hear him tell that it's normal and I'm not losing my mind.
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February 16th, 2010 @ 4:12 pm
So sorry your going through this…after i had my second baby i had the same kind of feeling…hopefully things will be getting better and brighter for you soon…hang in there!
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February 16th, 2010 @ 5:18 pm
Hi Emily,
I don't know if you remember me or not, but we graduated high school together. Anyway, when I'm not being "mom" to my kiddos, I am a FertilityCare Practitioner–someone who works with clients who have issues going on with their fertility. One of the things that we "treat" is Post Partum Depression.
There are a ton of misunderstandings about what PPD is, and many of the other comments have hit upon an important point, you don't have to "depressed" to have it…it can be anxiety, insomnia, fatigue, etc. etc. Also, you DON'T have to take medications to mask the symptoms. We give our clients a shot (or two) of compounded, bio-identical progesterone and usually within 24ish hours they feel like new people. PPD is caused by hormonal issues and getting your progesterone levels back to a more "normal" range can seriously help your overall mood. If you are interested in knowing more, check out my center's website: http://www.hopefertilitycare.com or email me at amanda@hopefertilitycare.com.
No one needs to experience this…there is good, solid, holistic alternatives to being in this "funk."
Peace,
Amanda (mourey) Venema
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February 16th, 2010 @ 8:01 pm
I don't have any suggestions or words of wisdom, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. xoxo
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February 17th, 2010 @ 3:14 am
Hi Emily, i just want to give you a big hug right now. I have struggled with anxiety since the birth of my 4 yr old son and then after my daughter was born 2 yrs ago, the anxiety escalated- crazy things i never would have worried about before. At my 6 wk appointment I told all of this to my Dr and she said that PPD doesn't always mean you feel depressed- which was my case. I wasn't depressed, just on edge, worried, fearful, not myself. I just couldn't handle everything. IT was relieving to have an answer to my emotions, and that alone helped me to begin feeling like myself. I went on a low does anti-dep for anxiety. I would encourage you to mention all of this with your Dr and bring your husband with you… that's what i did and it made such a difference to have him hear what the Dr said and be a part of the recovery. xoxo
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February 17th, 2010 @ 3:20 pm
Please talk to your doctor or OB. Sooner rather than later.
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February 17th, 2010 @ 3:36 pm
I feel this way sometimes too. A lot more so lately and I only have 2 kids! I found it really hard to adjust and I don't think the winter helps! It looks like a lot of people are like this from all your comments. I find that the little things help, taking just a hour or so for myself. I have dreams of a day and night at the spa but that's not going to happen.
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February 17th, 2010 @ 11:26 pm
I felt this way after baby number 1. All I can say (and I know it's impossible) is try to get some sleep. I never do and I have two in the house. I can't even imagine three:O
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February 18th, 2010 @ 3:56 am
zoloft. makes my world go round
love you em!
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February 18th, 2010 @ 4:39 am
I felt like I was literally going to go crazy after having my third baby. It took me a good 6 months for it to start gradually get better. But, just because you don't feel depressed, doesn't mean it isn't depression. There are lots of ways to help alleviate depression, you just have to find what works for you and with you. Lots o' luck!
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February 18th, 2010 @ 6:15 pm
I totally get ya!! I felt the same way!! Mine lasted a very long year!!!! I think it's depression. Although I never had scary thoughts about wanting to die or hurt my kids, I was just very snappy to everyone, and just blah ALL.THE.TIME!! I will be praying for you…
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February 18th, 2010 @ 6:53 pm
I feel like this all the time. I have been thinking it is the stress of three kids and working and the house. I always think I should go to the Dr, but haven't.
Hope you get your happy back.
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February 19th, 2010 @ 3:08 am
I understand how you've been feeling. I understand it on a personal level.
HUGS to you.
Nell
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February 22nd, 2010 @ 2:45 am
Thank you for sharing, E… I felt very similarly after I had my second baby. I have also had a history with depression, and it most definitely is NOT the same. You are responsible for THREE lives! That is major. I certainly do not blame you, I only wish I had some words of advice. I feel this way often, more and more often, frankly. I don't know why either but if I figure it out I'll let you know
It's so hard to appreciate all of the insanely beautiful moments going on all the time when the actual reality of raising three small children can be kind of crazy.
You're doing a great job!
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March 5th, 2010 @ 5:30 pm
I was not depressed after I had my son. I felt tremendous anxiety. I had no idea what was happening to me and I felt as though I was going crazy. On top of the anxiety I felt extreme anger/rage. I never thought that it could have been postpartum depression because I wasn't depressed at all.
When I met with my OB at my 6 week postpartum appointment, I told him that I was crazy. He told me it was postpartum depression. If you are not feeling like yourself and are struggling like this, you need to get help. Talk to your doctor about it. Postpartum depression is treatable. You don't have to feel like this.
Big Hugs.
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March 5th, 2010 @ 7:55 pm
Definitely talk to your doctor. The earlier the better, just to make sure. And explore all the options. I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and OCD when my lil one was 3 months old. Even had a stay in the hospital and am now on Zoloft. It has helped tremedously. I hope to get off it one day, but it helps keep that dark hole at bay. I have ups and downsm but again, talk to your doctor and I hope you feel better soon.
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March 6th, 2010 @ 12:12 am
I definitely felt what you described about 3 or 4 months after having my baby girl. Please, please, talk to some body professional about your feelings. I didn't think I had PPD either and I let it go for too long…
I really hope you feel better soon–it does pass—and it will pass even sooner if you talk to your doc….
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!
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May 11th, 2010 @ 11:55 pm
Big Hugs. I'm going to follow/subscribe. We can get through this together. If you ever need/want someone to talk to…I'm here.
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October 11th, 2010 @ 10:47 am
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