Let’s Talk about this Proverbial Lump in my Throat
May 10, 2010 | Category: I'm a Momma, I'm The Rage's Momma
Anxiety.
Ever since I gave birth to Gage, I’ve been pretty open about these new feelings.
I didn’t think it was anything related to postpartum, but in hindsight I’m pretty sure that the two of them are in cahoots with each other. It’s an ever-evolving ailment, one that I’m currently battling from about 1 am – 6am.
It’s the kind of evil that wakes me up at 2 am and keeps me up until about 30 minutes before my lovely children drag me out of bed for waffles. A panicky feeling of worrying about things that I have absolutely no control over.
It’s the kind of anxiety that in my right “daytime” mind I know it isn’t worth bothering with, but at 2 am the worrying is so real, I can’t seem to let go.
Want honesty? Here’s your daily dose.
I worry about my kids. Not the typical stuff like if they will be smart and get good grade. I have panic attacks about what if they die. (there, I said it). I find myself taking pictures of them not to remember a moment, but to make sure I can remember a person. You know, just in case.
I worry about my health. Not the typical stuff like if I can cut down on caffeine or loose 10 pounds. I find myself burning the midnight oil worrying about getting terminally sick. I specifically obsess about how I’m sure I’m going to get breast cancer and it won’t be detected early because I’m breastfeeding.
I worry that my car will spontaneously burst into flames, or be submerged underwater in a horrific accident. I panic thinking that I’ll have to choose which one of my children to save.
And then I worry because I know worrying about this stuff is stupid. A waste of a good nights sleep, sleep that I desperately need.
I remind myself:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.~Proverbs 3:5
I see it in plain English, now why is it so hard for my “nighttime” mind to understand?
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51 Responses to “Let’s Talk about this Proverbial Lump in my Throat”
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Hi, I’m Emily.
May 10th, 2010 @ 8:50 pm
I appreciate this post and relate so much. I, too, worry about death related illnesses and injuries, not about getting the flu or breaking an arm.
And I also appreciate the reminder verse. So much.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 8:56 pm
Oh, how I can relate to this post! Especially the part about admitting your worries out loud. Somehow, speaking (or writing them publicly) makes them seem more real.
Or maybe, fingers crossed, writing this post and putting your worst fears out there will be the beginning of a healing process. I've found that the more I dump on paper (usually at night, just before bed), the less "stuff" my mind has to churn over when it wakes up.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 8:58 pm
I need to tattoo that verse somewhere on my person.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 9:05 pm
After Lady was born I had HORRENDOUS anxiety. At that point, my Mom told me that for YEARS when my sister and I were little she used to have panic attacks and worry about disasters befalling us. No joke. We had to cross a huge bridge to go visit my Grandmother (her Mother), and she told me that she used to picture the bridge collapsing and having no way to save us. Panic attack every time we went to go visit. Panic and worry about everything.
It's so hard.
I can relate to your worries. I really can. I find it's worse during pregnancy and in the first year after. I worry about everyone close to me- my parents, my sister, my husband. I worry about not being here for my children. I worry about my children themselves and I worry I will lose them. When Sweetie takes the kids out without me, I have to stop myself from calling him to make sure that everything is fine, that I haven't lost my family in a car accident or something terrible. It's not rational, I know that. But still, I worry.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 9:09 pm
Mine has been a heart-pounding terror that my kids could get kidnapped, and forget about me. It almost sounds cliche, except that I can't convey via text how this worries me to the point of nausea.
Sigh. Tattooing the verse, myself.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 9:12 pm
I get what you're saying. I have similar fears & they can be all-consuming. Pray & continue to share with people you love that can pray for you! Continue to claim what you know to be true and real!
Hang in there~ I appreciate your honesty!
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May 10th, 2010 @ 9:14 pm
You are me. I am you. I worry about what death will be like. I cry at night in bed because I am pretty sure I couldn't go on if any of my loved ones die. When someone I know gets a horrible disease or loses someone like a parent, I get thrown into it all again. The worst part? This is the first time…right here in your comment box…that I have admitted that outside my own brain. I am afraid of the stigma of the word "crazy". But suddenly, this weekend, my eyes have been opened to the fact that I am not as alone as I thought. I pray for you.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 9:27 pm
I can also relate to this post. I am a worrier about things I cannot control at times. My husband would probably say I do it ALL the time;0) It's like I'm constantly waiting on the "bad" to happen. I hate that feeling!!
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May 10th, 2010 @ 9:41 pm
I can relate. I've recently kept myself up at night convinced I was about to have a heart attack or stroke. And then I'll miss my kids growing up and graduating, married. You know. I try to push it out of my head, but it's hard.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 9:51 pm
I would have been surprised if your readers DIDNT relate to this worry.
I stopped watching the news for several months after my daughter was born and still can't hear stories involving major injuries or WORSE and children.
I like your reader's advice about writing about your worries before going to bed. Going to have to try that!
Peace to you.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 10:05 pm
Wow, can I ever relate to this one! When my son was very young (and who am I kidding? even now!) I would worry myself sick that something would happen to him. I have a kidney disease, which is under control, but after watching my mom go through dialysis and a transplant, I obsess about the "what ifs" of that happening to me. I also worry like mad about my husband. I think we all do it to an extent. That is a great verse–I need to stitch a sampler of it and hang it on the wall!
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May 10th, 2010 @ 10:10 pm
i can totally relate to this post. i too have an over active anxiety ridden mind. except mine can be turned on all day. things seem to be getting better but only time will tell i guess. ((hugs to you))
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May 10th, 2010 @ 10:13 pm
Been there, still doing that. The one that's been keeping me up most nights lately is the thought of someone breaking into my house and forcing me at gunpoint to choose one of my kids to die, or he kills all of them. And that's just one of the "lucid nightmares" I live all the live long night. There's your daily dose of honesty from these parts. You're not alone.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 10:26 pm
I know exactly how you feel… hopefully getting these worries out and onto "paper" will help to settle them down. Have you seen anyone about these things? It has made a huge difference for me.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 10:29 pm
Um, I have the same issues. I will sometimes just cry in my pillow at night worrying about things. How do you stop this? Ugh?
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May 10th, 2010 @ 10:32 pm
I posted today about my nighttime monsters, how timely! Mine are of course fueled from recovery… alcoholism… depression… blah blah blah… but I don't sleep anymore. Its infuriating because fatigue totally plays into it. Yikes. Email me if you want to commisserate
That verse is beautiful – thank you for sharing!
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May 10th, 2010 @ 10:42 pm
I've had bad postpartum anxiety after both babies. I once BEGGED Luke to take me to the ER at 3AM because I was sure I had Ovarian cancer. For NO REASON other than that I was scared I would get it and was having a panic attack about it. You are so not alone, and this is a real thing that doesn't get talked about as much as PPD, but is just IS real. And terrifying. Hugs mama. Let's get together, I have had even crazier anxieties I can't even type out here.
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May 10th, 2010 @ 11:41 pm
ahh! i've struggled with anxiety in my life as well. maybe you'll fins some comfort in this verse like I have!
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
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May 11th, 2010 @ 12:00 am
I worry about stuff like that too. I worry if there is a fire or if our car was sinking in water which child would I pick to save. I think to some degree it's normal. I had crazy thoughts in the middle of the night with my first and it took until he was about 8 months for my hormones to get under control and I didn't think about it as much. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you!
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May 11th, 2010 @ 12:04 am
I can relate in a pretty real way about most of your same anxieties. I think it would be abnormal not to worry some. I did take the step of medication and while that does help some it is not a cure all. We can only get through it by depending on Him, He knows what is best, so even if one of your worries were to become reality, it's all in His hands and His will!
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May 11th, 2010 @ 12:06 am
I struggle with that kind of stuff, too.
Every time my son is uncharacteristically snuggly, I think "he's going to die…so many times I've heard that looking back, the parents say 'wow. he was really lovey that night before he died'" and then I freak out.
Or my daughter is having normal playtime outside and I imagine(so vividly I can almost see it down to the gory details) her falling from the slide and cracking her skull.
My mom doesn't call me? Well then obviously she's crashed her car.
My dad won't answer his phone? Heart attack.
Husband won't answer my texts. Obviously someone rushed into his office and shot him.
I'm usually so laid back that these thoughts always catch me off guard.
Depression I know well. Depression I've learned how to deal with and cope. But this anxiety thing is really doing a number on me.
(Wow. That was a long comment. Sorry!)
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May 11th, 2010 @ 12:40 am
HUGS!!! I know those irrational (and sometimes rational – i mean bad things DO happen!) fears all too well. THANKS for sharing!
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May 11th, 2010 @ 12:40 am
hang in there emily. love you.
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May 11th, 2010 @ 12:52 am
I don't comment much but wanted to tell you that you aren't alone and I wish I could help you! I had pretty bad PPD with my firstborn, but now I have unreasonable anxiety too. My current daytime and nighttime fear is that someone will kidnap one or both of my children. I'm sure I'll be a real joy when my kids are old enough to play at someone's house alone, because I'll totally be sitting in the driveway the whole time. "Be still and know that I am God" is mine
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May 11th, 2010 @ 12:59 am
I am so proud of you for bringing this topic to light, b/c obviously by reading these comments, so many of us struggle with anxiety and fear. God tells us that fear is not of Him. Considering we are women and desire "security", that is an easy one for the Enemy to throw upon us- fear, anxiety, worry about the things and people we love the most.
I have learned so much through my personal battle with anxiety, and have come a long way, but i WISH i would have talked about it in a more public forum (outside of just my family and close friends) at the time. Knowing what this is and giving it a name, knowing you are not crazy/alone, makes such a difference. Please know you are helping so many others by addressing this even as you are dealing with your own battle. Sending hugs and prayers.
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May 11th, 2010 @ 1:11 am
I know this intimately well.
Thank you for sharing.
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May 11th, 2010 @ 1:24 am
I know. OH I KNOW.
I'd literally walk in circles in the kitchen because I was so high strung and couldn't sit still. And then I'd sit on the floor, rock back and forth and sob. Then I'd get right back up and pace around, full of panic and despair.
I'm so sorry. But I'm so proud of you for sharing. It's a hard thing to talk about.
I hope you find something that helps you. Going back on meds helped me a lot.
Hugs to you my friend.
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May 11th, 2010 @ 1:50 am
Wow, proud of you for sharing this. So many people can relate to this.
My only advice, try to recite that verse when you are awakened at 2 am. And instead of laying there worrying… turn it into a conversation with God and let Him take the anxiety away from you. Picture yourself laying each one of your kids in His arms. Just talk to Him instead of letting the thoughts run wild.
I know it's hard. Hoping it will get easier. (((Hugs))) friend!
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May 11th, 2010 @ 2:00 am
Oh my God…we're twins. I went to the doc for the first time about a month ago and told her how I had anxiety about getting cancer. I constantly obsess about my kids dying and when she asked if I thought I had some post partum depression going on, I broke down and sobbed. She said it can come on for up to two years after giving birth. The pills seem to be helping!
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May 11th, 2010 @ 2:14 am
We should talk. I'm sure you've had an earful of "helpful" suggestions — but if you're interested in more natural helps, I've been investigating them for about 6 years.
'Tis true, that at its very root it's fear that God isn't good. But there are still very practical things that can help (outside of daily repentance).
Lemme know if you're interested. Otherwise, I'll keep my trench-coat of goodies to myself.
(and no, this is not something I'm growing via sunlamps in my basement.)
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May 11th, 2010 @ 2:36 am
Oh I know this so well. I really do. I am constantly stopping myself from picturing worst case scenarios in my head. I picture my kids falling off the play equipment at the park and breaking their necks (just writing that makes me sweat). I picture them falling over the railing on our stairs and cracking their heads open. I picture us getting into a car accident. I picutre cancer. I picture me getting sick. On and on and on. It is horrid. I've heard people who have something bad happen to them say, "I never thought something like this would ever happen to me" but I am the opposite. I always think it could. I've heard it is an instinct to try and prepare for every possible scenario. Still, it isn't pleasant.
I just try and calm myself knowing that most of the things I could think about won't happen. And it is futile to waste such precious time worrying about it when we could be enjoying our wonderful lives. RIGHT? Right.
Live life to the fullest now so that (God forbid) something bad does happen you haven't wasted a minute.
However, if it is messing with your sleep this much it isn't good. You need your sleep. If the anxiety is really bad you definitely need to talk to someone, k?
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May 11th, 2010 @ 3:08 am
Even before my mom died, I had all of these feelings. (Except the kid ones, mostly because I don't have kids. But I worry about my future kids!)
And now that she's gone, it's 50x worse.
I too lay awake at 4 am and just stare, wide awake, at nothing. Worrying.
It blows. Hugs.
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May 11th, 2010 @ 3:18 am
oh Honey, I can understand more than I care to admit. I will admit that now that my meds are adjusted well for my other issues that my anxiety has been much better and I don't have those racing thoughts that often anymore.
((hugs))
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May 11th, 2010 @ 4:35 am
I have no idea where you stand on taking medication for this kind of thing. I however, experience the anxiety part of PPD more than the depression part. In fact, it started for me during my pregnancy.
For me, Zoloft really helped. It's an antidepressant that is great for anxiety AND helps with sleeping better.
I'm not saying Zoloft is right for you, but I do think that exploring some kind of medication is a valid option. I know I felt so much better after I finally did, and I was so mad at myself for wasting so much time NOT getting help.
I hope you are able to find some relief soon!
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May 11th, 2010 @ 8:00 am
That is very honest and, I think, quite common. I used to do that a fair bit. I hardly ever do anymore though! Want to know what I did?
I would take every thought captive to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:4-5). This is how I would do it: "In Jesus name I take these thougths of [insert thoughts here!] captive to Christ. Lord, please renew my mind, I ask for your peace. Amen"
It really is that simple. Ask God to remind you to do this, too. He is good at reminding us
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May 11th, 2010 @ 2:06 pm
thanks for sharing.
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May 11th, 2010 @ 3:15 pm
My PPD was in the form of anxiety, too. Racing thoughts, insomnia, all that fun stuff. My "babies" are three now and it's still something I'm dealing with. Meds have helped; was on them, went off them, realized that I needed to be on them, now trying to find the one that's the best fit for me.
Hope you can find your best fit, too, whatever it may be. Sending hugs your way.
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May 11th, 2010 @ 3:31 pm
Thank you for this post and for your honesty. I want you to know that the things you worry about, I worry about them to. None of my other friends worry like I do. I worry about the things you worry about to the point where it is all-consuming, and yes, the night! The night is the worst…I am always worried, I always have the worst aniety at night, and it seems children do get sicker at night so it's not easy. I've had my oldest son hospitalized last year for two weeks with a severe case of pneomonia. He even needed surgery and a chest tube, oxygen mask, of course, IV, it was a nightmare, one I'll never get over… it's horrible living this way and I'm not sure it will ever go away, honestly. Just know you are not alone…
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May 11th, 2010 @ 5:51 pm
My mind does the exact same thing at night!!! I can be dead tired all day, desperately needing to go to bed, but as soon as I get to bed my mind starts worrying about all those what-ifs and then I lose 2-3 hours of much-needed sleep over it. I have a 7-month-old daughter and need sleep so I can be a good mom to her all day, yet I lie awake worrying all night. Ugh!!
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May 11th, 2010 @ 6:38 pm
I know it may be hard to, but try to get some kind of exercise each day. Also, the sunlight works magic on your brain! If there isn't any sun that day, they sell full spectrum light bulbs that work great also. I've been there. Please call me if you need anything!
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May 11th, 2010 @ 11:54 pm
Oh my gosh. I could have written this post as well (only probably not so well lol). It's amazing the things we worry about, especially late at night. I too am better at fighting it in the daytime (or when my husband is around) but struggle at night. Completely irrational and totally unwarranted…yet still I worry. Thank you so much for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone…and know that you aren't alone either.
{Come to think of it…we never really are alone-we just have to remember HE is ALWAYS THERE.}
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May 12th, 2010 @ 12:31 am
This is the only thing I could think of
Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version)
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Praying that this helps
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May 12th, 2010 @ 1:08 am
Oh dear you are SO not alone! I had such bad anxiety after having Lili that I left Mike at an airport and he went on a trip without me. I sat at my parent's house that whole weekend crying, worrying, "spinning" mentally in my head. The same things has happened when I haven't been able to do anything about it. I found a Mark Schultz song and played it over and over and over on my ipod until I was able to calm myself. Waking someone up and praying with them (having them pray over me) helped me as well. it was just reassuring to get someone else in my head because it was apparent I was NOT hearing God's voice…it was the enemy's!! You will get through this. I have also taken some natural remedies that have helped….I can get you info on that if you want it.
Have you had your hormone levels checked? We are about the age (especially after having children) that things really start to get out of whack…which can lead to exactly what you have going on. I am SO sorry you are going through this. Like you said, "this too shall pass"….but the present can be tough to deal with.
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May 12th, 2010 @ 1:52 am
I go through stages where I feel the same way at times but it's never been this bad. I hope maybe you've mentioned it to your dr.? I just want you to be able to get the rest you NEED.
I'm praying for you honey!
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May 12th, 2010 @ 2:15 am
I am right there with you too on the worrying.
I read this verse to myself every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up…
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7)
It reminds me to be thankful for things I have and to trust God. I need this daily reminder and don't know if I could make it without it. When I present my worries and anxieties to God, I truly do feel His peace. I pray that he could do the same for you every night.
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May 12th, 2010 @ 10:45 pm
I think so many of us go through a period where we worry, perhaps too much. It is not stupid, however. It is what it is. What helps me is finding a way to get it out of my mind. Do the worry, do the anxiety, and then let it go… through meditation, prayer, journaling, whatever works for you.
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May 13th, 2010 @ 2:15 am
me too! I still have some secret ridiculous worries. I definitely worry about breast cancer every day for no good reason at all and I worry about car crashes, and… and… and…
this mom thing is funny that way.
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May 13th, 2010 @ 1:22 pm
Everyone's left such encouraging, helpful comments that I don't have anything original to add except that I'm praying for you and hoping your anxiety eases soon.
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May 13th, 2010 @ 7:50 pm
hi Emily, thanks so much for sharing this. i can relate, a bit. but i just wanted to share here that in my family, it's my husband who has the lump. he goes daily, nightly, all the time to a very dark place of anxiety about What Could Happen To Our Kids that I cannot even imagine, and it's very hard. i wouldn't describe myself as having had PPD, or depression at all, really. but my DH, most positively definitely. and it's something we have to manage as a couple. it affects his sleep, his focus, it's big. in my view, it's an enormous burden he carries that i wish i had some way of sharing in and helping him to navigate. i thought it might be helpful to you to know this, that obviously it's not PPD in his case, but he suffers similarly. he's a SAHD & our kids are not babies, they are 6 and 4, and this has been present forever. much big love to you and thank you very much for your post. warmly, marian
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May 19th, 2010 @ 1:49 am
WOW.
I haven't been able to verbalize this myself (yet), but I feel this exact same way all the time. It's paralyzing at some points.
I don't know how you feel about seeing someone about these feelings, but I can tell you that they are related to PPD and it might help…
I don't know that my anxiety is related to PPD anymore-though perhaps residual-but mine can be debilitating at times and it's no way to live. Although, on the positive side, for me- I think it makes me more appreciative of my children's health… silver lining?
Thank you for sharing, yet again. It's painful and I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I'm around to talk whenever, if you want
perhaps over vino (at the very latest) at BlogHer
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