Oh boy, this boy.
July 21, 2010 | Category: I'm a Momma, I'm The Rage's Momma
During all of my pregnancies, I decided not to find out the gender. If you would have asked me why, I would have replied something to the tune of: “It’s one of the greatest surprises God gives us, and I want to anticipate it as long as possible.” This response is entirely true. I love the whole process of not knowing if I’m carrying a boy or a girl until the very last second.
But honestly, there was a second secret reason to not finding out. And I’ve never admitted to anyone.
To put it bluntly, I was afraid that I if it was a boy, I would be disappointed and not love it the way I knew I would love a little girl.
I could have blamed it on growing up with only sisters, or the whole “I don’t want to deal with penis” thing, but it was much deeper than that.
I was scared beyond belief that I wouldn’t know how to love a boy like I knew I would instantly love a girl. I was afraid that when the doctor put him in my arms for the first time, there would be something missing.
Our third pregnancy, this most recent, I became ok with the idea of adding a boy to our family. I already had two girls, and I knew my husband would be over the moon to have a son. So for him, I kinda wanted it to be a boy. Or at least that’s what I told people.
I didn’t get a daughter, I got a son. I got Gage.
I take back every fear and ill thought I’ve had about little boys.
I was wrong, so very wrong.
I was wrong about that first time the doctor put him in my arms. The feelings? They were all there.
This boy? He’s infectious.
He has filled a hole in my heart I didn’t know existed.
Holding his heavy, sleepy body can calm my soul when nothing else has ever worked.
Nursing him in the dark and wee hours of the night has become my time to be still and pray. Something I’ve desperately been missing in my life.
The way he babbles “ma ma ma ma ma ma ma” I could listed to it all day, on repeat. Like a 13 year old girl and her Jonas Brothers album.
The way his eyes track me from across the room? Makes me feel like the most important person in the whole world.
You know? It’s funny how God works. Like he knew exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. 9 months ago, I was sure I didn’t need a little boy in my life.
I am so glad I’m not the one making the decision around here.
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48 Responses to “Oh boy, this boy.”
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Hi, I’m Emily.
July 21st, 2010 @ 3:30 pm
I love this post em! Gage is precious, and you are the perfect momma for him.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 3:35 pm
Oh, I love this post…and those photos. The love is so very evident.
Strangely enough, I'm the opposite about gender. I knew I could raise a boy, but a girl? I'm still a little worried about that. With this one I feel more prepared for either or, and I'm excited for it to be a surprise. But, there's still that lingering doubt. The what if I'm really not cut out to mother a girl.
Thankfully, we are not in charge of these things, so I'll just go with the flow.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 3:36 pm
this post is beautiful, and admittedly, when I found out I was having an Eddie and not a little girl? I exhaled a HUGE sigh of relief. I am terrified of having a little girl. But God knows. He knows if that is ok because I will be the mamma of only boys, or he is chuckling right now because he has some girls up there waiting for me some day. Oh and those pics of you meeting Gage? I teared up. Sigh…
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July 21st, 2010 @ 3:57 pm
i loved this post too. i cried. i have no clue what being a parent will be like but your blog makes me excited for it.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 3:57 pm
Oh those pics made me so teary! Which is funny because that never happened to me before I was a mom! Beautiful!
So…we want to one day have another baby. (We don't plan to try for several years) When I imagine another baby its always a boy & I must admit I'm scared to death of having a little girl. I like this boy gig & teaching a girl to be a strong & confident woman…well that scares the crap out of me. I agree…thank goodness we are not in charge of these decisions & God know exactly what each of us & our kids need. Relief!
I really want to wait next time & not find out the gender. I doubt my husband will want to do that though!
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July 21st, 2010 @ 4:01 pm
I know what you mean, if we have another (a 3rd) child, I sort of want it to be a 3rd girl. I kind of want a boy, for my husband. But I would secretly like 3 girls. Maybe one day I'll find out how great it is to have a boy too.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 4:10 pm
What a beautiful post. And I love your honesty.
I did find out the sex of my daughter and I was a disaster for weeks because I was so set on having a boy.
She is a wonderful gift in my life, as your Gage is in yours and I am eternally grateful (and I'll deal w/ the 1000 penises issue MUCH later!)
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July 21st, 2010 @ 4:35 pm
Amen to that last line. I am also so glad I'm not the one making the decisions around here.
*Side note – my word verification is "fulness" – not that it's spelled correctly, but it is pretty fitting, don't ya think?
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July 21st, 2010 @ 5:30 pm
Awwww that is soo sweet I crave a baby boy
and yes I'm aware that we already have a newborn in the house LOL
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July 21st, 2010 @ 5:33 pm
There it is again, the greatest picture ever taken! Aren't little boys amazing? I always wanted boys. We didn't find out what we were having either, and around month 6 of pregnancy, I freaked out because I thought it might be a girl and I was SCARED! But the good Lord gave me my boy and he's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. I'm glad you're getting to experience being a boy's mom.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 5:53 pm
I felt this way, only in the opposite, about my daughter. I had a brother growing up, I was never the girly girl, I felt I knew boys better, I didn't think I could relate to a girl. And to most I may not. But she's not just any girl. Just like he's not just any boy. They're ours for a reason.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 6:15 pm
Oh I love this post…and I felt the same way before the Fox was born. And it took a minute or two to wrap my mind around not having 2 girls, but rather one of each. And now, 2yrs later? I can't imagine life any other way. You're right–it's a good thing God's the one who makes these decisions!
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July 21st, 2010 @ 6:18 pm
oh my goodness, this was beautiful!
the thing i realized (and was thankful for) when we first had amos was that because he was a baby, he just acted like himself. since they all pretty much act the same, (except they wear gender-appropriate colors), i felt like i was getting to know a person, rather than a gender. the boy stuff has since come out, but that's ok. it was the same with flannery, only when we found out who i was pregnant with, they saved the gender until the end, and for a few minutes, we looked at the *person* inside of me. i loved that person, without even knowing who it was. and when we found out it was a girl, we were even more elated (since we already had a boy) and couldn't wait to meet her.
i love the pics you posted, going back to the day gage was born. what sweet and tender moments those are! so glad you had them captured!!
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July 21st, 2010 @ 6:20 pm
Such a dear post. Love it. Gage is too precious for words!
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July 21st, 2010 @ 6:31 pm
Emily,
I don't know how I stumbled upon your blog, but I did, and I love it. And I hear you on the boys thing. I am the mother of two boys and with my second pregnancy, my life was falling apart. A pregnancy at that time in my life didn't appear to be possible.
But it was, and it is, and when I look at Dylan, I see this little cherub who was sent to me on someone else's watch and plan, not mine. And I thank God every day that He's got this worked out better than me.
Such a sweet post and tribute to your little guy. Thanks for sharing your blog!
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July 21st, 2010 @ 6:38 pm
A beautiful post! And so like me when I was pregnant with my first…and when he arrived! You're right, it is instantly there whether you think it'll be or not!
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July 21st, 2010 @ 7:54 pm
This post made me cry.
I can relate SO MUCH.
I love these sweet little boys in my life and I had no idea how much LIFE they would put back into my own.
Love you. Loved seeing your sweet face today.
Thank you for loving on our family.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 7:59 pm
I was afraid to have a boy. We found out at 20 weeks and I internally freaked OUT.
But now I'm addicted and can't imagine it any other way. I was chosen to be his mother and I can think of no greater gift. He's such a mama's boy and the way he loves me? Brings me to my knees.
Welcome to the club. It's a fabulous place to be.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 8:28 pm
Love this.
So true.
THere is something special between a mother and her son. Just as there is between a mother and her daughter and a father and his son and a father and his daughter. You know what I mean. It's awesome to get to experience it and attempt to define it.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 8:30 pm
Just visiting via QuatroMama's tweet. This post made me cry (happy cry). I look forward to reading more from you!
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July 21st, 2010 @ 8:38 pm
This is such a brilliant post. I did not find out either, ostensibly for the "ultimate surprise" but I had a lot of similar feelings. I protected my heart, even, by telling myself that it WAS a boy. I also worried that my husband would be disappointed to know a daughter was coming instead of a son. In the end it was perfect – we were both so thrilled that I now get that it wouldn't matter a bit, and we'd be thrilled either way.
So glad that I'm not the only one… and reading this made me excited for the prospect of what may come in the future. Those beautiful pictures of the two of you say it ALL. What a lucky boy Gage is.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 8:49 pm
Yay for little boys! So glad God knew what you needed, even when you didn't!
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July 21st, 2010 @ 9:12 pm
Awww! So glad you realized your fear was just that – a fear. So happy for you and your family that you have Gage. He sure is lucky to have all of you!
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July 21st, 2010 @ 9:37 pm
I'm so glad someone else is willing to admit to the fear, too
I felt the same way, except I did find out beforehand. I've admitted to feeling nauseous and crying the day of the ultrasound.
And then I caught him (he was born in the car) and from that instant on, we have a bond I never could have imagined. I had no idea what I was missing, or that it would take *this* little boy to make our family whole.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 9:58 pm
oh the tears you brought to my eyes! Seeing your pics and thinking that it is so good that we are not in control, ahhhh, so precious. God puts the "person" in our lives that we need.
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July 21st, 2010 @ 10:00 pm
PS. I love the photos so much, because as a momma, seeing those pics of you getting to hold your baby, brings back the same feelings instantly to my 2 deliveries. Crazy how a photo of a stranger can do that, huh?
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July 21st, 2010 @ 11:14 pm
brilliant! I cried. I just had a girl and am worried about having a girl. I have an almost 3yo boy now. I hope it is the opposite for me too!
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July 21st, 2010 @ 11:43 pm
Sniff sniff…
Those pictures are beautiful.
We didn't find out w/ Fynn, but I knew he was a he. And it terrified me. But he is such a gift…
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July 22nd, 2010 @ 12:57 am
You guys are soul mates.
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July 22nd, 2010 @ 1:03 am
Loved this. MUCH.
xoxo
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July 22nd, 2010 @ 1:13 am
Love, love, love this post. And after two girls my little man completes me in a way I didn't know possible. Thanks for articulating that.
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July 22nd, 2010 @ 1:15 am
What a beautiful post! God surely knows what we need even when we think we know better.
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July 22nd, 2010 @ 2:15 am
I feel the exact opposite about having a little girl. What would I do with it?! Having three boys has been awesome. God knows what we need I guess!
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July 22nd, 2010 @ 2:44 am
This might be my favorite post of yours ever. And I've liked a lot of them.
But this one… so perfect, and real and BEAUTIFUL. I'm so very glad God made you mother and son.
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July 22nd, 2010 @ 3:21 am
I just adored this. I think for me, having one of each, I see so clearly how different this relationship is with my son. With my daughter, I see her evolving into a young woman, but always being close. With my son, I see the closeness we share now as being finite. He'll always be my baby, but I won't always be the most special woman in his life. Someday he'll grow up and find the love of his life and she'll be his world. I totally want that for him (although I see now why some of my boyfriend's mothers were so clingy), but I'll still be so sad to let that part of me go. So until then I will hold him and love on him and enjoy every moment of his boyness.
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July 22nd, 2010 @ 7:36 pm
You put your feelings into words so beautifully. We've got two boys and we are thinking of having a third. I can really identify with your reservations and am just a little more excited at the possibility of having a girl. Loved it!
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July 23rd, 2010 @ 1:40 am
Beauti-ful. I felt the same way about having a girl…weird. And life without Luci is unimaginable!
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July 23rd, 2010 @ 2:53 am
LOVE this post. I never thought I wanted boys, either, but I am so so so soooooo glad I got one.
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July 23rd, 2010 @ 3:44 pm
This has brought tears to my eyes. It's no wonder there are mamma's boys = they way they love their mamma's… I'm certainly in love with my little boy!
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July 24th, 2010 @ 3:13 am
I teared up reading this post. I LOOOVEE having a boy. It's nuts how that little man can pull at your heart! I've never had a girl but I can totally see now where the "momma's boy" saying comes from! Love it:)
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July 24th, 2010 @ 5:33 am
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July 24th, 2010 @ 1:06 pm
So beautiful, I can barely type through the tears. I know that love so well. There's something about boys… it's a completely different thing.
Thank you for sharing.xx
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July 25th, 2010 @ 3:11 pm
We felt the same way. Even bought lots of little girl clothes. When we found out it was a boy I was worried. When he was born, I realized I was an idiot. He's so much better than anything I ever imagined.
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July 26th, 2010 @ 2:36 pm
I adore that photo of you grasping Gage for the first time. I loved it when I first saw it and I love it now. It's so authentic. Nicely captured, Casey. And, yeah, boys are pretty much awesome. -Mr. Blonde
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July 27th, 2010 @ 5:52 pm
Your last line made me tear up just a bit. I'm with you on that. I am SO glad God leads the way. His dreams are so much greater than mine.
stephanie@metropolitanmama.net
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August 4th, 2010 @ 12:29 am
"I am so glad I'm not the one making the decision around here."
Amen, sister.
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August 10th, 2010 @ 12:53 am
*sob* sing it sister.
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October 13th, 2010 @ 7:02 pm
*dancing around*
yes yes yes yes yes
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