A Moment on the treadmill, dreaming about para- para- paradise.

Have you ever been going about your day, and unsuspectingly out of the blue, you’re heart is slammed with a Moment? (capitalized, because you’re having a Moment.)

I had a Moment this morning, I don’t typically have Moments, so this very much caught me off guard.  You know, the kind of Moment that makes you self consciously look around, and hope nobody is looking at you, because you’re getting embarrassingly emotional for what seems to be no particular reason.

The perfect storm to create my Moment:

1. The postpartum never ending cycle of tired.

6960396775 0e948f90f7 A Moment on the treadmill, dreaming about para  para  paradise.

2. The treadmill laced with endorphins: This morning was the first time exercising for me in 9 months.

6959085669 6b2f1e799d A Moment on the treadmill, dreaming about para  para  paradise.

3. My email, which I decided to check while on mile 4 of my run, on the treadmill.

In my inbox, I see my sister-in-law has sent me a random photo from the past. Because it made her smile.

This one:

6814365718 c4483afd9b A Moment on the treadmill, dreaming about para  para  paradise.

It’s a photo of Nola (six months) and Michael’s dad, Papa. Little did we know, papa would pass away all too soon.

4. My favorite song by Coldplay (youtube video link).

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

On the treadmill, running like a crazy tired postpartum mad woman, wearing a poor excuse for a sports bra with milk leaking from my boobs. It’s 54 minutes into my run (which I’m paying for now, way too far to run first time out) and I’m staring at a photo on my phone of my little girl being held by her papa who’s passed away. A man she will never know.

Since Nola’s been held by her Papa last, I’ve had two more children. Two boys, two boys who will never be held by their Papa.

I think about Papa often. I know he’s in paradise. Does he know about our two little boys? Gage and Paul? I’ve decided that in paradise, you do know these things.

I dream of para-para-paradise.

Even on the treadmill. And it made me have a Moment.

 

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. Beautiful picture! Good job on the run! :)

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  2. glad you shared. and now i’m crying and reliving YOUR Moment.

    And maybe, just maybe, I’m crying because you were running for 54 minutes and I can’t run for 5.4 minutes. And I had a baby almost 16 mos ago.
    Katie recently posted..NFL Scouting Combine #49: My experience.

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  3. I know it’s not very good theology but I like to imagine that my babies met my Mama Jo(my grandmother) in heaven before they each came down to us. There is so much of her in their souls that I know it has to be true.
    Bridget recently posted..Getting It All Wrong

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  4. I haven’t had very many moments on a treadmill, but I have had a few Moments listening to Coldplay. I know people like to make fun of them, but they’ve written some lyrics that either punch me in the gut or make me straight-up giddy. Mike’s mom passed away before she met either of my children. Like you, I take much comfort in the thought that she’s in paradise as well, and that she knows our children like she was right here beside us.
    Angie @ Just Like The Number recently posted..It’s a Good Thing I Didn’t Marry Him for His Kidneys

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  5. Aw, Emily, this made me get really teary. That is a lovely picture. I believe that people we love stay with us, somehow, not only in our hearts, but just… in a way, that I can’t even explain. Hugs to you.

    As for your run – way to go. My kids are 6 and 4 and you’ve done more running than I’ve done in all those years! ;)

    Also, BlogHer? We are planning on a Gansevoort reunion. :) I hope you’re in!

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  6. Susan Alberda says:

    Oh Em, there are no words. I, too, believe that Dad still sees our little ones, the ones he got to hold here on earth and the ones who have to wait until Paradise to know the embrace of his tender arms around them. He must see them. He must see. He must. It’s what helps me go on. I’m sorry and you’re welcome for the picture. :) Love you.

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  7. I would have had a moment too… sad and beautiful all at the same time…

    And I was over here thinking you are a complete ROCK STAR for going 4 miles so soon after having a baby. WOW!

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  8. Mommabird2345 says:

    And now I’m having a Moment.

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  9. i got a little teary-eyed for you. i know those kinds of moments. my dad died suddenly almost two years ago. i miss him terribly. he was the best poppo to my girls and my nephews…the BEST! we are now expecting baby #4, our first boy, right around the time my dad died in may…
    bless you!

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  10. I love that song- and I love those Moments.

    Steph

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  11. You made me have a moment reading that. I’m all teary now. Have a great day. ((hugs))

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  12. A beautiful moment:)

    And the fact that you could run for an hour after not exercising for nine months is astonishing!
    Jennie Rader recently posted..For the Grandparents far and near

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  13. aww this is so sweet… made me teary

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  14. That is a very sweet picture :-) hope you get lots of energy soon, but for now, I’m giving you a big hug :-)

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  15. What a Moment. Thanks for sharing it with us.

    And also? Way to go on the run! I was just wondering the other day if I would ever run again. Can’t believe I miss it! Who have I turned into?
    punkinmama recently posted..arriving september 2012

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  16. I love Moments. They almost always involve photos and music for me. Add newborn tired and I’m a goner. Thanks for sharing your moment.

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  17. Thank you for sharing. I often think of my step-father and how he never got to meet his grandchildren (or see us grow up and get married). He would have been such a fun grandpa! I always hoped I would have son, so I could name him after such a wonderful man but after 3 girls, I’m not sure if I’ll ever get my wish.

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  18. michelle f says:

    Moments are what keep mommies going.

    And kudos to you for running. I only run if someone wielding a weapon is running after me.

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  19. Damn girl…ya made me cry again. All too personal having Mike’s Mom going through cancer right now – never knowing the future. I too have a picture of My Grandpa holding Lili when she was 6 months. Every time I see that picture I cry.

    And HOLY CRAP! Way to rock it out woman!!! We need to do the Indy 1/2 together next year for SURE!
    Shannon McAvoy recently posted..a bible verse {project 365 :: 66/365}

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  20. This was beautiful!

    And I think you should categorize this post as “I’m a runner” in addition to “I’m a Christian”. Because holy 54 minute run! What?! That has never happened to me. Nor, probably, will it ever.
    Rebekah recently posted..spring-time resolutions.

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  21. Yes. I know about those moments that pop up when you least expect them. They’re worse (for me, anyway) when music is involved – kind of like the tipping point.

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  22. I love this so much.
    And THAT is an amazing run, you post-partum rockstar.

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  23. Zinedine says:

    You almost made me cry just like the Mufasa death scene in Lion King :)
    Zinedine recently posted..Free Tickets For Cinema

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  24. Yes. We are sure of it here. Papa’s in Paradise know of their grandsons. In fact, we are certain they met them and chose them before sending them along to us.

    We have a Papa in Paradise too…and {almost} two of his grandsons here.

    They tell told us their Papas know.
    Katie recently posted..Stuff that Made Me Go BOOM!

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  25. Oh he knows them, I think. He knows them well. At least I hope he does. I hope that for all of mine.
    Jamie recently posted..if i could turn back time — mannahattamamma

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  26. Tengo una amiga cubana y ella no tiena dinero para pagar por ella su hija y su esposo por la residencia y el seguro social nosotros estamos en dallas texas ustedes saben de alguna organizacion que ayude gente de bajos recursos se los agradeceria mucho grasias
    Lucille recently posted..The Secret Life of a Clothing Shopaholic

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