Last year at this time I was in NYC promoting swimsuit confidence week with my girls from Curvy Girl Guide and Lands End. A few days before I left for the trip, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my 4th child. I came home from the experience completely overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. Not to mention I was physically spent from standing up straight and sucking in my gut for 4 days straight.
One year later, everything and nothing has changed in my life. I’m still overwhelmed. I’m still both physically and emotionally exhausted beyond a reasonable degree. And yes, I still do a fair share of sucking in my gut.
But I have this guy. His name is baby Paul.
When I look at myself in photos, I don’t necessarily love what I see. I see physical flaws, and I fault myself for letting myself “go”.
I beat myself down by numbers that shouldn’t matter anymore. The weight I was when I started college. The number on the scale on my wedding day. How many pounds I weigh today, 4 months (and 4 babies) postpartum.
I know them all by heart. I carry them around with me like heavy stones tucked into the pockets of my self worth. It’s so dumb, I know.
I know I shouldn’t be comparing my 19 year old body to my 33 year old body, you know I still do. I tell myself I should find security in my new “old” body. I shouldn’t be ashamed that my belly is soft. It’s carried babies! I shouldn’t find embarrassment in my saggy chest. It’s nourished my my children!
And yet, it’s hard to change. Hard to find self acceptance even when you know it’s the right thing to do.
But I’m working on finding comfort in my own skin.
This week is again Swimsuit confidence week. Head on over to Curvy Girl Guide and bask in the bravery of the women who have strutted their swim suit stuff, and have done it with grace and beauty. Yes, there’s where you can find a full length body shot of me in my tankini. (omgee, that gives me hives just typing it out)
Ugh, love it or hate it, swimsuit season is here. Your kids want you to take them to the pool, they told me so.
*thanks Casey, for putting up with me, and taking yet another ridiculously requested photo.