A work in swimsuit confidence progress.

Last year at this time I was in NYC promoting swimsuit confidence week with my girls from Curvy Girl Guide and Lands End. A few days before I left for the trip, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my 4th child. I came home from the experience completely overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. Not to mention I was physically spent from standing up straight and sucking in my gut for 4 days straight.

One year later, everything and nothing has changed in my life. I’m still overwhelmed. I’m still both physically and emotionally exhausted beyond a reasonable degree. And yes, I still do a fair share of sucking in my gut.

But I have this guy. His name is baby Paul.

7216503928 a9ac4b7851 A work in swimsuit confidence progress.

When I look at myself in photos, I don’t necessarily love what I see. I see physical flaws, and I fault myself for letting myself “go”.

I beat myself down by numbers that shouldn’t matter anymore. The weight I was when I started college. The number on the scale on my wedding day. How many pounds I weigh today, 4 months (and 4 babies) postpartum.

I know them all by heart. I carry them around with me like heavy stones tucked into the pockets of my self worth. It’s so dumb, I know.

I know I shouldn’t be comparing my 19 year old body to my 33 year old body, you know I still do. I tell myself I should find security in my new “old” body. I shouldn’t be ashamed that my belly is soft. It’s carried babies! I shouldn’t find embarrassment in my saggy chest. It’s nourished my my children!

And yet, it’s hard to change. Hard to find self acceptance even when you know it’s the right thing to do.

But I’m working on finding comfort in my own skin.

This week is again Swimsuit confidence week. Head on over to Curvy Girl Guide and bask in the bravery of the women who have strutted their swim suit stuff, and have done it with grace and beauty. Yes, there’s where you can find a full length body shot of me in my tankini. (omgee, that gives me hives just typing it out)

Ugh, love it or hate it, swimsuit season is here. Your kids want you to take them to the pool, they told me so.

*thanks Casey, for putting up with me, and taking yet another ridiculously requested photo.

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. I saw your photo and you look GREAT! Sport that suit with confidence girl! xo

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  2. dag, yo. I love every word of this post! It’s like you’re in my head. Come visit more often, I need to replace some of the crazy up in here.

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  3. I’m right there with you, every single word. AND, you look great!! I’m sold! That tank makes your tummy look great! Our bodies have been through it, and we should wear those battle scars with honor. We grew people and kept them alive!!! I gotta preach that to myself too!!
    Sarah Partain recently posted..Fambly.

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  4. I thinks you are one of the most gorgeous mama out there, sweetheart :-)and you have one handsome little man, may I say :-)
    Renee recently posted..Overjoyed

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  5. EMILY…YOU ARE GORGEOUS!! love this photo. I would never ever be able to take a photo like this right now….just couldn’t…=(
    jaime recently posted..hair color {project 366 :: day 138}

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  6. You so pretty.
    moosh in indy. recently posted..(baby babble) cloth, cranky, crying and chow.

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  7. You look great!
    Nichole recently posted..A little-known bit of “Star Wars” trivia

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  8. You really do inspire me with this- I remember last year’s clearly, too. I almost particpated- I was sent a suit and everything but in the end, I did not have the confidence like so many of you do. I am working on that.

    Steph

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  9. I think that most of us play those same numbers games. Another of mine is the time game…as in I’ll have time LATER to exercise more/eat better etc. Grand plans that disappoint when “later” never comes.

    Hives be damned!
    Love the suit and you look great. :)
    Beth recently posted..Five

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  10. Susan Alberda says:

    Amen, sister. At 8 months pregnant I feel so beautiful, yet I know the minute I look in the mirror post-partum I will be tortured by what I see, and focus solely on my flaws. I dread that moment, and all the many self-criticizing ones that are sure to follow. Thanks for the reminder to find comfort in my own skin, no matter how stretched-out and jiggly it may be.

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  11. You were the reason I put on a bathing suit last year. Work it!
    Katie recently posted..unmoving tragedy

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  12. You’re beautiful.

    xoxo

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  13. Awe! You look beautiful, Emily!
    Amanda recently posted..“I have a surprise for you”

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  14. gah, so much cuteness. xoxo
    heather… recently posted..Inevitable

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  15. You are stunning…always. I can SO relate to the number. =I for some reason think that th scale will SOME DAY give me the same number as the day when I got married. But, our bodies change as you so poignantly said. Bravo girlfriend. I’m not sure I could have taken the shot that you did, but you ROCKED IT!!
    Shannon McAvoy recently posted..i was bit by a dog but keep going back running…

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  16. I love you and miss you. I love Baby Paul too!
    AmazingGreis recently posted..Swimsuit Confidence; I Have It…

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  17. Us women shouldn’t be ashamed of what pregnancy and being dedicated wives and moms have done to our body. We should be proud like soldiers are with their battlescars. Mothers and proud.

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  18. Oh girlfriend! I’m braving the suit this year. First time since I got sick and gained a ton of weight. 40 pounds! I don’t love what I see, but I’ve determined not to miss out on life anymore.

    Great post and thanks for linking to the curvy girls guide. Funny how they all look fantastic to me. And yet, I don’t look fantastic to me.

    Janelle

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  19. Can I just tell you how much I love this post? Maybe if I shout it really loud, you’ll hear me halfway across the country. Then again, shouting really loud would probably wake my two year old who has only just gone to sleep, so let me just say again for the record: I love this post! Today I was lamenting the fact that I’m in a LARGE size pant. Oh yeah – have I mentioned that I’m seven months pregnant? This butt? It has to heft around a body containing a nearly grown human. And still I’m hard on myself. Geesh. Thanks for posting today. Let’s try not to be so hard on ourselves tomorrow, okay?

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