About the girl who just wants to breathe

Fact: The girl in the photo below is very happy.

558621 10151001402351746 1982556082 n About the girl who just wants to breathe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another fact: She’s happy here too. Weird feather earrings and all.

Screen shot 2012 09 11 at 4.22.53 PM About the girl who just wants to breathe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And even though this photo is a bit out of date, she’s incredibly happy here too.

Screen shot 2012 09 11 at 4.33.40 PM About the girl who just wants to breathe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But what you can’t tell for any of these photos, is that this girl suffers from unexplained anxiety, depression, and sometimes even anger. It’s not a new things, she’s been this way for years.

That many days she literally cannot physically take a deep breath, because her body is too tense and her chest too tight. That even the slightest amount of discourse will send her in a downward tailspin that will within seconds find her with the covers pulled over her head.

And that for every hard day, she’ll have an equally rough night. Insomnia and anxiety attack her at night, often with innocent lyrics to songs that repeat in her brain like a broken record. It sounds like a really silly thing to “suffer” from, but be assured, it’s extremely not funny at all. In fact, nothing is really funny at 3am.

But if there’s one good thing about the girl, it’s that she’s smart enough to know that her behavior and feelings aren’t normal. And she’s present enough to know it isn’t fair to her husband and children to live a life with a wife and mother who cannot “deal”.

Her family is awesome, and they deserve more. She’s taking baby step to find stability.

Small, tiny, barefoot steps.

And like a baby learning to walk, she’ll fall on her (thankfully padded) butt, hit her head on the corner of the coffee table, and oftentimes just prefer to be carried by those stronger than her.

It’s ok, because it’s part of the process, right?

Bear with her, give her grace she doesn’t deserve. She’s mostly a mess.

But at least she knows she’s a mess, so there’s that.

*photo credits:mooshinindy.

 

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. This hits so close to home, right at this very moment. I had my anxiety and depression controlled for years, and my recent move to college has brought it all back up. I forgot how terrible and paralyzing it can be. It’s so difficult to be patient and deal with it in the moment, rather than trying to force yourself to feel better. But taking baby steps is the exact thing you (well, the both of us) need to do to get back to that happy place.

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  2. Oh you are in good company… if that’s such a thing with our cases… thinking of you and understanding. You’re on the right track.

    Steph

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  3. This girl thinks that girl is brave.
    Erin recently posted..Is it okay to hope a little?

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  4. I can relate…
    Rebecca recently posted..Jethro’s Birth Story

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  5. I can totally empathize with you! It /is/ suffering and I suffered needlessly for way too long (let’s just say Xanax XR is my friend now). You deserve happiness as often as you can get it, not to live day after day and night after night unable to relax and enjoy what’s around you. Best of luck on your journey! Will be thinking of you. xoxo

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  6. Hey…know what? I am committing to pray for you…. every morning before you get up, I will have already laid you at the feet of Jesus…
    because I think you are cool, & I want you to be happy… : )
    Thanks for sharing, I am guessing that this post will help a bunch of folks….

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  7. I would highly recommend a nurse lead mom group out of IU North for perinatal mood disorders. Great help for me recently. Email me if you’re interested and I’ll pass along the contact info.

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  8. I suffer from anxiety (both before and especially after having my baby). And I am right there with you. I think it’s such a taboo subject that we (mamas) don’t speak about it as much, which means we aren’t supporting each other as much. I had a dose of PTSD thrown on top of my already high-strung self which made for one interesting postpartum freak show. I was just looking at pictures of my baby when she was a newborn and it conjured up a lot of negative feelings. I hate to have to have that when I look back at that part of my life. And if you ever want to talk about it, let me know because I do.

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  9. I don’t know if I really have the words to help – and I doubt anything I can say will be life-changing… but I’m thinking of you. Maybe thinking of bringing you cookies?? Cause I’ve actually heard they are life-changing.
    ClassyFabSarah recently posted..I Remember

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  10. I can relate more than I can express. From the looks of the first photo, you probably did Color Me Rad as well. I live in Indy too. So if it brings you any comfort, there is someone who has walked in shoes like yours right in your backyard somewhere. I hope you are able to get your comfort soon. I am ready to live and not just survive. Baby steps indeed.

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  11. I’ve never been one to take pills, it makes me sad that everyone and their grandma is on them these days but there just came a point when it was my family who was suffering so…if it makes me better, it makes them better and I’ll do whatever it takes to make the five of us stick together.
    Jennifer recently posted..Demo. Sickness. Fire. Fat.

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  12. Thank for your honesty. It gives me courage.

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  13. Hugs to you, lady.

    I, too, deal with chronic anxiety and periodic bouts of depression. Thankfully, with meds and a great counselor, both are well-controlled and life is back to normal. You can do it, too.

    Please know that you’re not alone. Depression and anxiety are still stigmatized in our world, and so we tend not to talk about them. But one of the great benefits of having the strength to name the problem, as you’ve done here, is that suddenly others start coming out of the woodwork–”Oh, I’ve been there!” “We’ve dealt with that in my family too!” Lots and lots of awesome, normal, wonderful people whom you already know and love have been down this road, I guarantee it.

    You can survive this journey, too. Thrive from it. There is hope, and lots of us will step up to help. One day at a time, ok?

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  14. Oh Sister, grace is totally deserved.
    Hang in there… and let those stronger than you do what they do, help you and lift you and carry you when you need it.
    You’re right, your family deserves and present wife and mother. You deserve those things too.
    Hugs.
    AMY recently posted..Jace The Walker. And Growing Up.

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  15. I love you girl. And you aren’t alone….but you know that! :)
    Shannon recently posted..what children of bloggers do for fun…

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  16. Bearing with you, giving you grace you so deserve. Because I’m mostly a mess too.
    Katie White recently posted..{scaredy} cat in the {lame-o} hat

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  17. Depression I’ve known so very long, but the anxiety? Oh, the anxiety kicked every ounce of air out of me and knocked me to the floor a few years ago. And I struggled so hard – not even hoping to move forward, but just to stand up. But then one day you’ll find that you *can* stand up…and the babysteps forward mean so much more. xoxo
    Bridget recently posted..Rolling

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  18. That girl is just my biggest inspiration. She has just taught me that no matter the situation we deserve to be happy.
    Kimberly Reynolds recently posted..Kim Kardashian Tape News Review

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  19. Grace is a given. And totes deserved. Send some back my way, k? Cause I am an unholy mess of a girl.
    joules recently posted..We’re Still All In This Together

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  20. You’re not messy, you’re perfect.

    And you’re mine.

    Lovely, you are.
    moosh in indy. recently posted..simplicity and our home at the end of the street.

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  21. Once again I could’ve written this(though not as well as you) and once again you are helping others by being so open. Praying for you and your family, especially your hubby that he will be your rock and rock star as you get on your way to getting back to you. xo
    Jenny from Mommin’ It Up recently posted..Pin for the Wednesday: DIY Magnetic Hair Bow Board

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  22. This guy too. Hey, let’s go drink a bottle of vodka overlooking Manhattan and not worry about a thing, okay?

    I just wrote about something similar: http://www.avitable.com/2012/09/10/eternal-bliss-in-heaven-how-to-give-a-nine-year-old-control-freak-an-anxiety-attack/
    Avitable recently posted..Do you know what a briet is? I do, thanks to the Chicktionary.

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  23. Love this post Emily…many many mamas, including me, right where you are. Those damn hormones are relentless arent they!? ((Hugs))
    Jennie Rader recently posted..Tribute to the end of summer and to family togetherness

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  24. Katherine Stone says:

    Great post!! I totally get this, and I love how you shared the different sides of your experience.

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  25. Sending prayers your way! It’s amazing to see how many people are suffering with the same thing. You are not alone, and remember that when the going gets tough!

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  26. I can understand this perfectly. I never knew if it was nerves or anxiety and I the feeling. I would love to wear a sign on those days that says “be gentle”..
    Tiffany recently posted..There has to be more.. right?

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  27. Oh, how I wish life was like that first picture all of the time. Regardless, however you’re feeling, you’re not alone and I’m glad we both have friends that give us the grace we don’t feel like we deserve. xox
    punkinmama recently posted..not that it’s any of your business

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  28. I love your honesty. I know you don’t know me very well…regardless I’m praying for you tonight ;)

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  29. I’m glad we both have friends that give us the grace we don’t feel like we deserve.I feel very happy..
    Jennifer recently posted..tinnitus treatment

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  30. ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO! Thank you for posting and you are far from alone. And so, it would seem, am I.

    Here’s to one day at a time, and having the courage to ask for help when we need it.

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  31. I cam across your blog through twitter. I could have written this! At least in knowing you can take those baby steps.

    And I love the feathers!!
    Emma recently posted..My Personal Hell

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  32. Last week was an extremely rough one for me. The part I don’t get is that I HAVE THE LIFE I ALWAYS WANTED but here I am struggling HARD some days. And truthfully, I feel embarrassed for myself and my family. But I know I have to get past that. There’s a lot going on in the background that others just do not see. And that’s okay but it must be dealt with.

    Anyway, I’m thinking of you because obviously I can relate. I also wish we could share a good talk over some awesome food and drinks.

    xoxoxoxo
    Elaine recently posted..Beyond Bologna Wrap Up! – 18 Awesome Lunch Ideas

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  33. That pretty much sums up how I’ve been lately too. What scares me is how much worse it may get after the birth of my second.
    Good luck with the baby steps. Any step forward, no matter how small, is a good one.
    Gamanda recently posted..The Predicament (in my head)…worries of a second time mom to be

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  34. Good for you! I kicked ppd & anxiety in the butt two times. You will come out of this a stronger, better person. :)I’m not brave enough to blog about my ppd…yet.

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  35. I am so glad I found this because I thought I was alone. I had a r rally bad panic attack two nights ago and thought I was just being crazy. Since I had my baby 3 months ago I get little anxiety attacks here and there. Thank you for your bravery.

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  36. leslie’s right one of you always has her legs open (see midlde corn) ;) sorry for taking it there, but i really just have to for some reason. also, sorry to all of your moms. and to the corn. ooooooohhhhhhhh, burn! ahem.Left by noelle on October 7th, 2005

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