Because writing is easier than quiting.

I lay in bed every night, crafting words that will never be published. Wishing I was always understood by everyone, without having to say a word.

I scratch and scrub my head every morning-ish, deciding what stories to share, as if anyone really cares what I’m thinking. Tales that will mostly never get told out loud, but are always eloquently scripted in my mind, completely.

So many words and thoughts that will never get spoken in completion. Feelings that linger in my soul, that need to be dealt with entirely but will never see the light of day.

Words to songs I hate, songs that  creep up into the thick of night. Lyric I sing to my beautiful baby once the sun finally appears.

Applesauce dreams.

I spend my days, and nights, feeling isolated and completely alone. Overwhelmed, searching for time away, and silence.

A moment, to read a page. Any page.

 Because writing is easier than quiting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I crave community. Time with people that tolerate my crazy. If that even exists anymore.

To be touched, but not too much. To be understood, but never completely.

I want to quit it all. You know, this. And that. Totally everything.

Yes, that too.

To be noticed, but oddly, never to go unseen.

I know, I’ve been given so much. And maybe I expect too much in return. I understand that.

I’m doing my best. Promise. Even when it appears I’m not doing anything.

I’m tired. I’m sleepless. I need my mommy.

Pardon my ramble. It’s all I can muster.

just writing.

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. Your words have been in my heart before. I feel you. I still feel it sometimes but in much shorter periods of time. Even though I’ve been there I’m not sure what to say, except, it’s real, it sucks, and I know you will come out on the other side. And I pray it is soon. I hope that helps, somehow. xo
    Jenny from Mommin’ It Up recently posted..It’s the MOST wonderful time…of the YEAR!

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    Bridget Reply:

    @Jenny from Mommin’ It Up, Yeah. What Jenny said.
    It gets better. It gets better. It gets better.
    (Sometimes I just have to chant that to myself.)
    Bridget recently posted..Failure

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  2. I know this. I feel this. Just know that someone else shares this. HUGS!
    Shelley recently posted..Forcing It To Fit

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  3. this is so elegantly and vulnerably penned. there’s such a divine balance of community – “To be touched, but not too much. To be understood, but never completely.” I am with you. sojourn on, beautiful soul. you have so many stories to tell, don’t let your voice be silenced by anyone casting a different vision.
    Cherie Lowe recently posted..FREE Magazine: American Baby

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  4. hey, friend, can we get coffee sometime. I want to hear more about all these things in your head :)
    Hoosier Party Girl recently posted..Tissue Poms, Flowers, and Free Printables for Baby Shower Decorations

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    Hoosier Party Girl Reply:

    @Hoosier Party Girl, Also why does that smiley face look crafty rather than friendly? :\ (I wonder what this will look like)
    Hoosier Party Girl recently posted..Tissue Poms, Flowers, and Free Printables for Baby Shower Decorations

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  5. My heart is there often, I feel it is a cross so many women carry. I am so sorry your heart is smothered right now by the pain this kind of thinking brings. Good for you for sharing your heart, even the dark, hard part. I hope you are able to find sleep soon and the rest that comes from true sleep.

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  6. I wish we were sitting together. Silently together.
    Heather recently posted..Nap Time

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  7. Just by writing this, I hope you feel you’ve opened the door to let a little light in. This is a hard season of mothering — beyond the play groups and pulled in the direction of activities and meetings and when you finally have a moment to come up for air, your girlfriend lifelines are submerged in their own oceans. But writing it is easier because it gives the rest of us a chance to exhale and say, “oh yes, me too.”
    Amy recently posted..You know you’re a Catholic…

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  8. Omg, WORD.
    joules recently posted..Happy Feet. And Other Assorted Body Parts

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  9. Hugs from Canada

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  10. ditto
    crookedeyebrow recently posted..Mr. J, you are 8 months old

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  11. We are all here nodding our heads to this. You are not alone. Keep writing it all down. Get it all out. We’re here.
    Kat recently posted..Ready or NOT

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  12. even your rambles are eloquent and lovely. i get it. the isolating part. it’s so real and brutal.

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  13. I totally understand this… so so so much. I want to just give up and never look back but I can’t. Something won’t let me and I think that means we are doing what we need too.
    Jen recently posted..The Night Before School

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  14. Hoping you’re feeling better today. Know I’m always up for drink after kids are in bed. Mmmm, or dessert. That would be good too.
    Katie White recently posted..{scaredy} cat in the {lame-o} hat

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  15. Yeah, pretty much.
    Just Shireen recently posted..So, 30 Is A Thing Now

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  16. man you hit the nail on the head. maybe because i’ve gone from 0 to 2 kids in 2 years it is so hard to put into words but this is how i feel. thanks for helping me feel not alone :)

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  17. I feel you, sweetie. I was ready to throw in the towel last week.

    xoxoxoxo
    Elaine recently posted..Lazoo For You! {review & giveaway}

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  18. here are no hard and fast rules for resume writing, but several general strategies can be helpful in determining what information to include.
    Candyce recently posted..yeast infection

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  19. Oh! So very with you. *sigh*
    Amanda recently posted..The one where I tell James what I am really thinking

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  20. Been feeling similar these past few days/weeks. It’s good to know that other moms feel this way. There is an overwhelming sense of responsibility to perform the greatest/hardest job on earth. I tend to feel guilty when I want to run away and join the circus. I would totally be the trapeze girl, but for now I’ll just go as her for Halloween. Thanks for writing.

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  21. I’m always up for drink after kids are in bed.Thank you for a great writing..
    Charlotte recently posted..dry mouth

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